Port Elizebeth-Here we come again!!

We are back in Port Elizabeth, the same place where we were revaged in full public view just a few days ago. The sight of Aila blasting the crap out of our bowlers is still quite fresh in our minds. Ironically, this time we face the only team we have beaten so far.

We had a training session at the ground. The Bubblies were there too. And it was fun observing them go about their drills for today's game.

Prince Charles looked ominous. He was stroking the ball really well. I have a funny feeling that he will finish a career or two today. Appam Chutiya has started bowling in the nets and seems to be getting to match fitness. I think he may be back soon. So, all the best guys. Surprisingly though, he was quite well behaved, hardly ever acted himself at the nets. It's amazing how each IPL season Appam seems to leapfrog a few stages of the evolution cycle. Last year, with just one tight slap he suddenly evolved from being an Ape to a Neanderthal. And the run-in with Re-Peter seems to have magically brought him to the Cave Man stage. If someone were to meet him for the first time today, he could almost mistake Appam to be a normal human being. RVR Sing, aka Pamela Inder Singh, was bowling his breasts out. Lady Jaya was a picture of concentration at the nets. Deeghra Patan was swinging the ball both ways in the nets. Even Arnold Power stretched a muscle of two. All in all, they looked like a happy bunch of guys at the moment. And, given our level of preparedness, we are unlikely to spoil their mood today.

The Rajpoots were out celebrating their victory last night. They were at P.E.'s favourite watering hole, 9 Yards. Some of the Dhakkans were there too. And since, nobody invites us anymore, thanks to yours truly, we had to find out where they are and landed up at the venue. Haven't seen the Two Sisters and Big Brother in P.E. as yet. Are they are still in SA? The Sheikh was in full form though. With the Two Sisters missing, the Sheikh was compensating quality with quantity, sitting with a few arm candies, the Dhakkan coach and a young Aussie cricketer. The Dhakkans' cheer leaders seemed to be working over time last night. Now we know why they are at the top of the table (hope Dildo's listening). Dhakkans' middle order batsman, Ghati Baba, was busy practicing his pick-up & throw skills with 2 of their cheerleaders. He sure doesn't want to misfield another one in the 49th over, does he? It was Castro's last night here and he sure was making it count. Being the class act that he is, even off the field he seemed to be aiming at the block-hole. Unfortunately, we have an early start today so had to return before things got really hot and out of control over there.

In our team, well, nobody has a frickin' clue of what to do now. Not even one player - batsman or bowler - has performed so far. On what grounds do u drop anyone at all, or on what grounds do you select anyone? Last season, at least a couple of our players were close to getting into the Indian side. After this season, we don't know if anyone from this team will make it to even next year's IPL team. Our physio has confirmed that 3 support staff members will be sent back soon. And Bhookha Naan and his core group have already started their souvenier shopping. They have been politely spoken to by Boy George. Ironical again, coz even Boy should probably be on his way out. Lately, Dildo's been asking him to justify a lot of the expenses and resources he has at his disposal. He seems to be the most stressed man in the squad at the moment.

Observing our team from a distance, it's not hard to tell why we are the only side now with absolutely no chance of making it to the semis. The Phoren Babas hang out together, the support staff are in their own little world, the India rejects tend to stick together and the rest of us domestic players find comfort in each others' company. Lordie usually finds someone in the opposing team to hang out with, like Prince Charles or Meera Bhai. There's a very clear class system in our team. We truly are the Rainbow team in the Rainbow country. To tell you a secret, nobody in the team wants to hang around here any longer. We'd rather fly back and dance at a few weddings. If only we had the choice like some others do.

Skipper wants Bangla Tiger in the squad today. Candy Nickle spent a lot of time with him and while Deputy Coach spent time with the Springbok. One of them is definitely in today. Bangla adds zing to our bowling, while the Springbok has the experience of facing a bullet at point blank range and surviving - a skill that'll come very handy while playing for our team.

Finally, it's Calypso's last game with us today. He's been considerate enough to stay with us longer to help us win a match or two. The extra two matches also fatten up his bank a/c substantially, but I am sure that would have hardly crossed his mind given the selfless person he is. Calypso has promised to throw a lavish party for us tonight if we win the game. Sure maan! That's the incentive we've been looking for all this while.

Amen!

Bye Calypso. Thanks for entertaining us!

Calypso King is leaving us and his departure isn't in very pleasant circumstances. The team management threw an early farewell party for him after the last defeat. Dildo wasn't around to sponsor this one though, so it went from the team kitty. No one was particularly pleased with the idea of hanging out together, although no one objected to it openly. Since, the posts have been coming out, guys are making their own small groups and going out to places without informing others. No one wants Fake IPL Player to land up there and broadcast their nefarious activities to the whole world. In fact, the blog has affected the nocturnal lives of IPLers in more ways than one would have expected. Teams are now trying to find out before hand where our team is headed after the match, to ensure that they don't land up at the same place. Kishen Kanhaiyya, whose tour took an unexpected turn after the Opium Night expose, is having the driest tour ever in his life. Little Sister has still not given in to the Sheikh's famed magic. Little John's been getting frantic phone calls from his Mom and he's had to promise her that he will return to India "Ganga jaisa pavitra" (I couldn't believe my ears myself but these ARE the exact words he used). So, in the backdrop of all this, we had to go for Calypso's farewell party.

While the drinks flowed, the music blared, Calypso suggested to Skipper that he should tattoo his IPL scores. (For the uninitiated, the skipper has tattooed his cricketing numbers in Roman numerals on his arms.) WHile the skipper was thinking about what to say, Calypso started a discussion on whether there's a Zero in Roman, obviously referring to the skipper's ducks during the tournament. Finally, in drunken stupor, the skipper reacted with a few choicest words of his own. He was eventually whisked away by Candy Nickle to avoid a blow down.

For the rest of the evening, the two weren't seen together. They didn't shake hands before Calypso left the party.

Mangal Pandey's phone was lying unattented on our table while he was warming his palms in one of the dark corners of the club. Bhookha's deputy, in an inspired move to catch the Fake IPL Player red handed, started scanning through his SMSes. The news was eventually relayed to Mangal who then gave the the Deputy a crash course in Bhojpuri, a discourse he is unlikely to forget in the short term.

The butt of most jokes during the party was Our Man Dildo himself. Most jokes were around the rat abandoning the sinking ship. I couldn't help but smile at the irony of it all. A man, who till a few weeks ago was our hero has now become to most laughed at man in the team. Bangla Tiger, who was busy clicking pics with the star till the other day, was cracking the funniest jokes on him in Bengali. As they say, the higher you rise, the harder you fall.

Apparently, Dildo didn't meet anyone before leaving for India. And he has sent an email to Boy George asking him to justify such a large support staff. The paranoia has shifted to the support staff now and there's news that 5 of them will be asked to return. Boy George and Bhookha Naan were locked in a meeting for 2 hours yesterday.

The Kiwi coach has joined us to observe and learn from us. As if one mole wasn't enough, our team now has invited a new one. Whatever prompted Mr Genius to choose our team over others, what's now clear is why New Zealand is placed 8th in the ICC rankings.

On the whole, the team's now waiting for IPL to get over to go back home. As a team and as individuals we have achieved all that we had planned for. We have successfully sent Dildo packing, we have improved our performance over last year, we have reached depths that
others can only dream of, Little John can now score only on the pitch, Kaan Moolo has finally convinced the world that no matter how hard he tries he can't get any worse, Bhookha has earned enough to finally retire, and I think I am kind of reaching the end of my blogging career. I think there isn't much to play for any more.

Finally, it's official now. Bhookha, Skipper and the entire support staff are resigning at the end of the season. (If they don't, they'll probably be sacked anyway.)

Your's truly.

P.S. I think some website's been advertising that I am appearing for a live chat. That's not true. Under the circumstances I can't live chat at all and nobody knows who I am.

P.P.S. Some people are replying to comments posing as IPL Anonymous. It's not me. I haven't participated in the comments section. Pls don't believe the guy posing as me.

P.P.P.S. I have heard that Dildo's PR team has decided to degrade this blog by posting malicious and critical comments, and also by spamming in the comments section. If only this energy was seen in building the team.

P.P.P.P.S. The focus has shifted to the Support Staff. The management is now convinced that the Fake IPL Player is not a player, but a support staff member. Let's see where this trail takes them.

P.P.P.P.P.S. I have decided to retire from all forms of cricket after IPL. I will disclose my identity on our last match day

Battle of the Losers

It was a short and sweet trip to Port Elizabeth. We went in, we got fucked, and we came out. Pretty simple and a highly memorable trip indeed. The one good thing coming out of our fantastic performance is that Dildo's returned to India and I am pretty sure that's the last we have seen of him, unless of course we reach the semis. But, I can assure you, we will try our best to save him the trip to SA.We arrived in Durban yesterday. The weather's much better here, especially compared to Cape Town. The bad news is that we will have a full game, which of course means we have that much of a lesser chance to win.Today is the mother of all clashes. The two must muddled up teams of the competition go head-to-head. It's almost like a battle for the bottom of the barrell. Both of us have tried every rule in the book to ensure that we finish last. Now, this is the chance to prove to the world that WE are the worst team and not the Bevdaas. I am pretty sure that the Bevdaas are also equally determined to be last. But, my friends, I have full faith in my team and am confident that we will pip them to the post and finish last.The silent mutiny building up was threatening to explode last night. We had a scheduled team meeting last night. Prior to the meeting, 8 of the 11 Indian team members had met and decided to voice what we feel about our situation, about how we are being treated, and about the fact we have no faith left in Bhookha Naan any more. Most of the guys are insecure that they may be sent back soon. Gilli Danda, the sane man he is, pointed out that with only 11 of us left, if someone was sent back, then Dildo himself will have to pad up for the next match. The logic didn't quite hold in the highly charged and paranoid environment in the room. Mangal Pandey agreed to take the lead. Just for the record, Lordie wasn't in this meeting. It was discussed whether Lordie should be brought into the fold, but Mangal (who probably fancies himself as skipper for the next season) said that we have to fight this out without Lordie. And in the meeting we went with all our guns pointed at the enemy.Entering the meeting room I got a really funny feeling. Boy George, Bhookha Naan, Phoren Babas and the entire coaching staff (which now probably is larger than the playing staff) was seated and looking at us as we entered. Somewhat like the 70s films when the worker's union went in to negotiate with the management. As we sat down, all of us were looking at Mangal to take out his gun out and start firing. But, the dude must have suddenly developed cold feet and just sat there with his mouth open. Lordie walked in about 3 minutes late. Boy George was the first to start the proceedings with his usual management bull shit about how we are down but not out, we need to stay together, play as a unit etc etc. Come on man. Cut the crap, at least now! Skipper took over from there and offered to resign. He said that he has spoken to Bhookha, and owns up responsibility for the team's performance and is ready to step down if the team is not happy with him. He asked Lordie if he'd like to take over the captaincy. There were signs of some guys hoping for Lordie to say yes. But Lordie is a smart dude. He knows there's very little he can do with this bunch of players. Why clean up after others have crapped all over the house. He played the role the statesman and said that it will be disastrous to change captains midway. There was a discussion on what all has gone wrong so far. Given that almost everything's gone wrong from the time we landed, the discussion was pretty short. There were some discussions on team selection. It was quite obvious that skipper and Bhookha have had a fall out. Bhookha was quiet most of the time. Skipper wants Bhookha to settle his problems with Style Bhai spinner. Style Bhai's been kept out becoz of Bhookha's issues with his attitude. And the skipper wants him back - attitude problem or not. It seems to me that skipper's had enough of it and now wants to stand on his own 2 little feet. Style Bhai told in unequivocal terms that he wants to play. Bhookha is still non committal. Lordie wants Bangla Tiger to be drafted in. Skipper seems to be agreeing. Bhookha has not openly disagreed. But that means that Junta will have to sit out and Style Bhai will come in. Now, whether Bhookha swallows his pride and lets it happen today is a different matter altogether. Bhookha has realised that the water has risen beyond the danger line. I think he is aware that he can't push things much at this stage. Boy George is his best friend at the moment. The 2 of them are responsible for where we find ourselves today.Now on to some interesting stuff. News from Sheikh's camp is that he has tried every trick up his fingers but Big Sister's still eluded him. Looks like he is finding Big Sister harder to get than even his national captaincy. For now, he seems to be settling for Little Sister. It's not known yet whether the issue has been nailed or not.Gilly Danda has an interesting take on why skipper's not scoring runs in this tournament. It seems skipper is scared of the consequences, as to what Dildo may expect from him after the match. For hints, please see picture.